Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Struggling Hard

Last year I made some mistakes that I wish I could take back. People say "No way I wouldn't take it back because that is what makes you YOU." And to that, I would say well that's the biggest load of bullcrap I have EVER heard and that you should get a grip.

Ever since my mistakes, I have been such a sad person. Nothing makes me happy; I can never enjoy myself. It seems as though everyone is against me, like what i have done has made everyone not regard me as highly as they used to. And to THAT i say BULLCRAP. Cant you remember a time when YOU made a mistake? Yeah that's right, I am sure you can. I have been treated by some people like a child- someone who needs to be reprimanded and put in their place. Thanks but no thanks. By some other people, I have been completely de-friended and left out. That seems like an easy way out doesnt it? Yep I guess so. Some people have lost feelings for me, putting me in such a low place that I just want to grab my purse and leave.

These past couple of months have been complete hell. I have never felt so alone and betrayed. To my face people act like everything is just dandy and that nothing has changed, but when they finally blow up in my face its like the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. I'm also torn because half of me feels like I deserve this and that they are just in their actions. The other half of me says NO WAY I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm so completely lost.

I used to be the happiest, smiliest, fun-loving girl ever. And now I can't go a day without crying whether it be something brought up from the past or something new. I can't wait for the days to be over. I have SUCH bad anxiety and sometimes I just feel like I'm not going to make it out of this.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

What Im Always Listening To.....

Walking On A Dream by Empire of the Sun

No Faith in Brooklyn by Hoodie Allen

You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

Butterflies by Alana Lee

I Could Be the One by Avicii

Courage Is by The Strange Familiar

The Everglow by Mae

Left Too Late by Florrie

Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap

LGFUAD by Motion City Soundtrack

Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro

Then I Did by Rascal Flatts

Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge

And so on and so on and so on. I could be here all night.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

This New Life.

Moving from Oceanside to CSUN in August 2009 for my first year of college was scary but okay. I adjusted pretty quickly and I had fun and met an awesome guy named Jordan. I did my four years in college and graduated May 2013. After college, I decided to go to paralegal school at UCLA, and here I am.

On July 19th, 2013, I moved from Oceanside to Westwood. I was pretty excited for a new adventure. Little did I know, I would be miserable. I have had stomach issues that started about a week and a half before I left (which I think is the result of something else) and I have had such high anxiety and I cant stop crying. My whole body hurts all the time and all I want to do is sleep, but I cant ever sleep for more than 30 mins at a time without waking up. I get to see Jordan on Saturdays, which means I get to see him around 4 times a month. This SUCKS because at CSUN I saw him every single day. I am very lonely and always missing my other half. I know I need to suck it up and be an independent adult, but I am struggling! On Saturday night when Jordan drops me off at my apartment, I dread getting out of his car because I know I have to go through another week at this apartment that makes me feel like the worst "me" Ive ever been.

I hope things can be better soon.
Yesterday was amazing, Jordan and I went to Santa Monica Promenade and I saw puppies which made me very happy.

I am trying to stay positive, because it could be so much worse.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Becoming Better

Brad Pitt about his wife:

My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She got very skinny and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it.

Brad Pitt

I read this story from Brad Pitt and it touched me deeply. I have had a very hard time with some things lately that have caused me to become physically ill. I really related to this story, and I am so happy to have hope that things  CAN become better. I have so much respect for Brad & Angelina.

Friday, July 19, 2013

First Day in My New Apartment!

Today was crazy! I moved into my new apartment in Westwood, CA (right across the street from UCLA.) My dad and I woke up at 6am to pack up his truck and make the 2 hour drive!!

My amazinggg boyfriend Jordan drove up to help us move. So the three of us made many....and I mean many....trips up 5 flights of stairs. NOT cool. My dad took us out to lunch at Denny's and then we went to Target. Soon after, my dad said his goodbye's and headed home.

Jordan and I spent the day organizing my stuff, watching tv in the common area, and walking downtown. It was home but I was already feeling homesick :(

Here are some interesting things about my apartment:

1. The internet SUCKS. wayy worse than CSUN's horrible internet.
2. Showering here sucks. You have to balance your clothes and towel on the shower door. Not fun.
3. Its very lively.
4. 99% of the people who live here are from Thailand/China/Korea.

I miss home already!!!! :(